The Whole Truth

"You are the light of the world, A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." - Matthew 5:14
     Feeling out of place, is a common feeling; Especially when you go through something devastating.
In this post..ill be sharing my whole story, not just the little 'this is what happened' either. It'll be the whole thing. I dont want you to feel bad for me, cause quite frankly, i get it too much. Just read and learn from other peoples mistakes. :) I want to help you, let me. This is gonna be long...and im sorry, but its my story...my testimony.

"Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life." -Ephesians 6:1-3
     Alright, so this is where it started, freshman year. I was way too 'cool' to listen to my parents..when in reality..it was stupidity. Wrong friends, they lead you no where. The saying 'what you hang around, is what you become' became my reality. Swearing, became a part of my vocabulary. Drinking, sadly, was the weekend 'thing to do.' No, i never did smoke, thank God.

"Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war." - 2 Corinthians 6:14
     December of freshman year, i was noticed by a junior boy. He told me everything a girl would ever want to year. At first my parents were okay with it, but secretely i kept things from them. His criminal record, his abusive habbits, and most importantly..his history with girls. We fought, like every other day. After dating hiim for about 6 months, my parents found out. Everything. They told me to stay away from him, but i was smarter than them. I 'loved' him. lol no. In reality i didnt know what love was. We dated two years, and in my mind (now that i look back on it)...those two years were straight from Hell. If a guy EVER cheats on you...leave; trust me, they'll do it again. After getting cheated on 3 times, you think i would get the hint...but i didnt.
    They say, 'bad actions lead up to bad situations' and holy crap, that is soo true. I wish i could tell every teenager that making bad choices will only lead lead you to bad situations.
    January 31, 2011. The day my life was changed. My eyes were opened, and i had had enough. What started as a day of shopping with my best friend and my boyfriend...ended in a nightmare. I dropped her off at her house first, then i went to take him home; when he grabbed the wheel and wouldnt let me go to his house i knew something was wrong. I parked my car on a street...and there i was 2nd Degree sexually assaulted. Saving my life, my mom called and he freaked. I owe my life to her. <3 truely.  He ran to his house yelling "Dont get into too much trouble!" and left me there, alone..i thought he loved me?..guess not. I answered, trying to come up with excuses of where i had been. Trying to cover up what he did. It worked at first, but, the second i stepped into my house i broke down. Telling my parents everything, they called the cops and the next day he was arrested until the first hearing.
   Guess what? They let him back in school...i was so confused, frustrated and mad.. How can you let him in the same place that im in after that. What is wrong with these people? They promised me he would stay away, but nothing was holding him back.. him getting yanked away from me by the assistant principle...was the last straw for me. I couldn'd do it anymore. That was the first day/night that i ever thought of ending my life. Therapy started, and i told her day after day i was fine. I was numb. Crying myself to sleep every night, made my parents worry. Finally, August 12, 2011. The guy i thought i loved, finally pleaded guilty. I couldnt have been happier...but even though he admitted to it...he was still free. Confusion flooded my mind. This was the third night, i considered ending my life. Which really is...three to many. No one should ever have to feel that way. Ever.
 Throughout this whole mess.. I felt alone, scared, and most of all i felt numb. School, was the hardest thing i ever had to face. People calling me a liar, screaming at me in the halls, and threatening to 'beat my...butt..'.. I spent almost everyday with my coulselor crying, and wanting to go home..but i wanted to be strong for my parents, for my friends, and for my church. I couldnt let them see i was hurt..that wasnt me. But at some point, you break and everything comes out. I couldnt hold it in anymore...i had to do something. One scar on my arm shows how weak i got. I set a match on fire...blew it out..and burned my arm. No one knows this, not even my parents, and i cant believe im going to post this...but it will help someone out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhOJW4Uwy3c

  I found the nearest counselor at the youth retreat i was at, a beautiful woman of God, the second person i owe my life to. We prayed and prayed...for forever it felt like, i cried my eyes out and finally...i felt peace flood my mind. My life was changed for the second time in one year. Clear thoughts filled my mind. I was happy, i felt i belonged once again.
  August 15, 2011...a text from an unknown number, "hey, i miss you" was in my inbox. I stared at it for almost an hour. Did this really just happen, it was him...again. I let him back in my life. I hung out with him and started dating him...again. August 28, 2011. A picture was posted on facebook of us together..my parents were devastated. He won me back. I was grounded for sooooo long after that. No phone, car, friends, anything. My life included church, school, and sleep...for 3 months. December 21, 2011. He was put in jail...locked up, i felt free. Oh how i loved my life, hes finally where he belonged. I got involved in church...2 church youth groups actually...and my life was once again, changed.
  February 28, 2012...hes out of jail. Thoughts once again, brewed up...why? will this ever end? No, it wont. But im not about to let him win. I will be a successful person, nothing will hold me back. Dont worry, this time...im smart. My mind is renewed..im getting help from SO many people. Im stronger with the Lord...stronger than i've ever been. I prayed, and God set me free.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Y2HwtWLokSc
 Im fresh. I wouldnt trade my life for the world. Im happy, and i am in love with my God. I turned my life over to him, and im free. I surround myself with positive influences and they help me through everything. I know i could trust them with my life.
   Never let a guy, take over your life, and decide what you do/think for almost 3 years. I wish, with everything in me, i could have those years back.
  To everyone who stuck by my side through the past year, you're truly my hero. If it wasnt for you, i may not be here today. I love you with all my heart, and i would do ANYTHING in this world for you. My Lord and Saviour, i love you with my whole heart. Mom and Dad, if i didnt have you...i would've been a lost puppy. You held me, loved me, calmed me down...but most importantly..you believed in me. I would like to thank my youth misister, i couldnt have made it without you..you and your wife believed in me...and supported me more than i could have ever asked for. My friends, wow...you showed how close we were/are everyday in and out of school...yelling at the people who yelled at me while i ran to get help, hugging me when i cried, and staying by my side throught everything really meant the world to me. My church family, you may not know it...but church was the one place i could go to...and let loose. I trusted all of you, and loved you.
   I am a changed young adult now. I grew up fast...but im glad i did. God is amazing if you let him in your life, so do it. Dont be ashamed, cause you will never regret it. He's amazing...and he's one of the only people who will love and forgive you NO matter what you do.

You're all beautiful in my eyes, and in God's. Never.ever.ever.ever.ever.ever. let .Anyone.ever tell you different. I love you all <3 soso much.

These songs...are now my secret escape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=776TdGu0bNo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXJv6Fxi074&feature=related